So this is it: The mountain I am going to die on.
Some days I think I’m really going to die alone and celibate on this mountain. For whatever reason, God has called me to be Holy in this area. Holy simply means to be set apart. To not follow the regular customs of the rest of the world. To live life differently in some way. I ask you God, “Why me?”
In contrast with my incessant need to question,
God’s response has actually been pretty consistent.
I have a dream, a vision and a desire. The day I realized my marriage was over, I crept into my boys’ room while they slept and quietly wept for the future they would have. I hoped they would come through unscathed, all the while knowing nobody comes through divorce unscathed. So, I prayed two things that night: that they would know how very much Jesus loves them, and that I would never, ever put them through another divorce again. The first prayer is a topic for another blog, but the second prayer… it haunts me. Every decision I make, every man I date, everything I Iearn, every moment of the day is filtered through the question, “How will this impact my precious boys?” Therefore the dream/vision/desire for my life is simple – to be in a happy, God honoring marriage to a man who loves me, loves my boys and whom I love dearly.
And yeah – I get it.
I hear the cynics among you chuckle or even gasp in disbelief,
“That will never happen,” “That doesn’t exist,” and, “You. Are. Dreaming.”
To the doubters, I agree: you are absolutely right! I am dreaming. But this isn’t my dream… its GOD’s dream for me. Don’t you know? His dreams are bigger than our own. He created us to be in relationship, and to long for healthy companionship. He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. He promises that he can and will do exceedingly, abundantly more than we can ever ask or imagine. He came to heal the broken hearted, redeem our lives and recover what is lost.
Okay ladies – I’m talking to you.
You know who you are, my sweet single friends who’ve lost hope.
You listen with trepidation to the cynical cries of your heart. Cries that threaten to drown out God’s tender whispers of love. You may jump into bed with any Tom, Dick or Harry because it feels good, or because that’s what everyone else is doing – so it must be okay (even if you’re not really okay), or because you are trying to stomp down the broken, hurting places in your heart. You who don’t know that you are worth So. Much. More. I know where you’ve been. I’ve been down this path – and not so long ago. I’ve chosen his bed instead of the doubts in my head – because I believed if I didn’t, I would be cast aside and my heart would break all over again.
Somewhere along the way,
I realized this path I’d chosen didn’t lead where I wanted to go.
My empty heart was still empty, and more broken than ever. I was potentially going down a path that would lead to another divorce, because I couldn’t see myself as worthy of something more. I was not dating men who honored God or me. I was dating men who honored their own feelings of desire and entitlement.
Sisters, you desire so much more than what you are getting through casual sex.
I know it because you’ve told me so. It is your hearts’ deepest desire to thrive in a state of “yada.” The “yada” is a Hebrew word meaning, “to know and be fully known, to be deeply respected.” Ask yourself this question, and allow yourself to be honest: After sex, what does your heart long for? Was your heart satisfied in the moment of climax? Do you leave the room feeling fulfilled on a soul level? Or more empty and alone than when you walked in? Do you believe that’s what God wants for you? Do your choices reflect your true worth – the valuable woman God sees in you?
I know your heartbreak sweet sisters!
But my absolute, gut honest personal truth is – I want an amazing marriage and life for my boys. I have struggled with this issue of knowing God wants me to wait to get married to have sex, and the rest of the world thinking that’s just crazy talk. I struggle even writing this down, because I know I may lose friends over it:
In considering desire on a deeper level,
I have learned I won’t achieve my heart’s desire by sleeping around.
Ladies (and gentlemen – I know you’re reading, too), I pray that you’ve taken to heart that God is not trying to ruin your fun, or be an impersonal God of rules and regulations. He knows the number of hairs on your head and the number of your days. He knows every wound and every scar. He knows your heartbreak and your children’s heartbreak, and he desperately wants to heal your family and fulfill your heart’s desire.
Would you prayerfully consider letting God into your heart? He offers healing and truth beyond the temporary solace you may find along a lesser path filled with lesser choices.
And that mountain I am climbing? Some days I am thirsty, but I have learned to seek refreshment in a well deeper than the shallow pleasures of this world. And I am really loving the view from up here!